9. Torn to pieces...? Which half do I choose?

Love.

Ever feel like you're being ripped two? Feeling like you're torn between two half's of yourself is probably one of the most tormenting things one can experience. I myself struggle everyday.

There is no need to feel as though you lost sight of up and down, north and south or even right and wrong. Calibrate yourself.  How can there be a "right" choice when you have two wrongs?

With your permission, I would like to share a story with you. My parents have been divorced for as long as I can remember. I cannot recall one memory of my parents being together. My father, lives in Montreal (Quebec, Canada). My mother, lives in Neillsville (Wisconsin, USA). I would travel twice a year to spend a week with my mom. It's been that way my whole life. I was close to my mom, though I hardly ever saw her. It was hard, emotionally straining. Seeing her wave goodbye as my plane rapidly accelerated down the runway. My sister and I cried allot. It was hard, as is still painful to think about.

Last October, I decided to move to Wisconsin. What caused me to move? Well, for starters I had always wanted to get closer to my mom and sister (who moved to be with my mom at the age of 12). The true source of motivation to move halfway across the continent came in the form of an angel. Despite a quick and yet very powerful long distance romance, I was determined to see it through. Heartbreakingly, she was in a relationship a day or two before I was able to arrive. It crushed me, sending me into a deep depression. However, I was determined to make my move worthwhile. I found a job I enjoyed, and dove into it.  I payed off my debt, and found what I thought was love. Turns out, this new found girl just used me-and after a couple months of a very unhealthy and emotionally abusive relationship, I decided to end it.

I moved back with my mom, found a decent job that I actually enjoyed. My mother was happy that I was closer to her now. My father wasn't quite as thrilled. I felt so torn. It hurt so bad, having to choose between two people I loved. Long story short, I had a very long (and hard) conversation with my dad. I explained to him me moving was what was best for me, and that I didn't move away from him because I didn't love him. I love both my parents very much. It was, and remains a hard choice. One day, my parents will be gone.. so if I live my life for them-where will that leave me?

Nothing is easy. I have learnt to enjoy things out of my control, and to try to find the positive in however horrid of a situation. The girl I moved for, is still in a relationship. I miss her alot, but respect her enough to not interfere. I miss having her as a friend, if not anything more. My heart longs for her, and I think of her constantly.

Tonight I saw the most spectacular shooting star. It was just like in the movies. It streaked from one horizon to the next, with a very long bright tail that followed it. Breathtaking. I made a wish. I wished for her to have peace of heart. I may not be in the greatest position in life, but she meant the world to me and despite everything, I want her to be happy, with or without me. I won't flatter myself and say I can win her over, for devotion of the heart is always deep.  I simply want her to be happy. Is it wrong to ask for such a thing?

True love, to me isn't about finding the ideal person. With this girl, I loved everything about her.. I didn't just accept her flaws, I fell in love with them as well.

What is the point of all of this? What can we learn from this?

Find someone:
- who is as afraid of losing you as you are of losing them.
- Makes you more whole of a person
- brings out the best in you
- makes you cry of joy, and not pain
- appreciates you as a person
- doesn't just accept or "live" with your past or faults, but falls in love with them-for those too are parts of you.

Of course I can write a million pages on what the ideal person is.. to me, it's her... but that's my flawed opinion. Dig deeper though..... why would I bother ranting about all of this?

Love. You can love many people, and you can be in love with people. Despite my numerous heartbreaks, I feel grateful that I've felt love.  The difference is deciding which is best for you. I didn't choose between my parents.. I am simply basing the decision on what is best for me right now. It's hard, but I feel better.

Don't lie to yourself. If you aren't happy with something or someone.. maybe it's time to move on? Decide if it's time to turn the page, or to close the book. Do things that make you happy. I play guitar, go get donuts and coffee at all hours of the night with my friends. I fly constantly (but never enough haha).

I surround myself with people who care about me, and that I know will always be there for me.

It's hard, when you find out who is actually there for you. I thought I had a million people who cared about me, turns out I was wrong. But now, I know who will have my back. I would take a bullet for those people.

One of my favourite pieces of literature is called, "Desiderata". It is beautifully written. I posted it below, I hope you all enjoy it as much as I do...

Take a moment to read it. It is filled with wisdom and beauty. I look forward to seeing you next time, and let's strive to be happy :)

DESIDERATA:

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul. 

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.